Aussie themed haiku take#2

I wrote so many versions of these Aussie haiku and struggled with some of the edits.  Here are some earlier versions of two of them.  Particularly for  my Brisbane poet friend Jdub.  Let me know which reads better.

.

hot and sleepless

karaoke through the night

– Willie Wagtails

.

Why do I expect

Anything from this billabong?

– silence

.

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3 thoughts on “Aussie themed haiku take#2

  1. Hi Andrew, I like these revisions – especially the billabong one, it’s quite effective the way it closes with just the word ‘silence’ and your use of a question in the ku.

    And that essay of John’s is great isn’t it? Really opened my eyes to look at kigo from a more analytical and critical standpoint

  2. Cheers Ashley, I must have written about 30 versions of that ku and was going off on a far too subtle and clever tangent. This version is not much different from the original words and surprise surprise… works far better. I’ll try to remember that next time.

    Andrew

  3. aloha Andrew – i too like the billabong haiku. actually i like it a lot. part of it comes from some of the things i value in haiku (which does not mean these are the things important to haiku – just the things i’ve gotten to appreciate and try to work with in my own ku). one of these is the connection of two lines belonging together 1+2 or 2+3 in an obvious way – and the other line standing alone yet also tying into the other two lines in some way that shifts perspective or meaning or thinking or seeing etc. you do that in a number of your ku. i particularly like it here because that single word in the 3rd line becomes so powerful and does so many things – it surprises, it lightly and quickly jolts in a deep way, it stills my own mind, it connects everything up into that moment right there at the billibong – and it’s a silent moment! cool on that.

    yeah, too, i’ve noticed that working and revising has a value but as often as not my initial writing of a ku has more connection to the “there-ness” of being in ku (which i also like). i think it’s easy to out think myself and get too clever and may be even too sophisticated (or at least think i am) with my haiku – when really what i seem to do is dilute them the more i try to tweak them beyond that initial tweaking and playing and connecting with what is the ku-ness of that moment… this is one reason i like playing in the ku-me chain. those ku are meant to be just winged out fresh and raw and alive with ku-ness (hopefully on my part at least). spun out in a few moments and let go of… and fun. …of course each ku belongs to the original writer and they can do with them as they wish – revising and reworking as much as they would like to do. for me i like seeing that initial splat of words and i get that in the ku-me chain. – thanks again for playing in the chain btw, i hope you play often. aloha

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